Madrun (madrun) wrote,


I find myself in a peculiar position.

In a relatively tight-knit social group, I usually feel like an outrider... not necessarily an outsider, but not totally entwined there, either. I have a few people that I will attach myself to, people that I truly enjoy interacting with and feel close enough to walk up and sit next to at a meeting for instance. From time to time I go through periods of intense longing to be a more fully-integrated part of the group... to go out to dinner after meeting, to go to the parties to make those deeper connections, to go to the guild gatherings and craft nights. Get to know people better, especially the people I actually enjoy spending time with. Get more connected.

It's like sticky threads are being thrown at me, and I mostly stay just out of reach. Occasionally I let a thread stick, even though I usually end up removing it later.

Whenever I go through these periods of yearning, I have to remind myself that I choose this. If I get more involved with this, I can't do that over there. If I give all my available time and energy to get really connected in one group, that removes the opportunities to connect with that group or start that project over there. And all of these people and projects take me away from the garden. Which is truly more important?

I cannot do it all. It's a constant battle of priorities fighting amongst themselves for time, money, and attention.This tension is fueling a heartsick right now.
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